The Horrors of the Prayer War
by The Fiery Crow
Summary: My commentary on Prayer Warriors, originally by one BelieverInChrist. While not as hysterically bad as My Immortal, Prayer Warriors offers many opportunities for mockery in it's hypocrisy, grammatical errors, misunderstanding of it's own religion and turning any character who doesn't align with the author avatar into a monstrous Satanist. Fun!
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome one and all ladies and gentlemen, to my return to fanfic commentary! Now, I'm unfamiliar with Percy Jackson, but this fic bears so little resemblance to what I understand to be it's canon that'll be irrelevant, and the fic moves to a few fandoms I'm more familiar with in later installments.**

**Updates may be slow as I tend to forget about my projects for long stretches of time and/or spend all of my free time playing League of Legends.**

Believer in Christ: Hello Jesus! **Oh! Hi there. I'm Jesus, am I? Want to get into heaven? It'll cost ya.**  
Jesus: Hello my son. **Oh. You were talking to the him.**  
Believer in Christ: Am I saved by writing this story. **That seems like a remarkably low and arbitrary bar for salvation.**  
Jesus: Yes my son. **Ok then.**  
Believer in Christ: Good. Now should I go hunt down those Satanists. **...No?**  
Jesus: Yes my son. **Because taking orders from a personal conversation with Jesus isn't crazy at all!**  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Bible, God does. **I don't think an ancient omnipotent being cares much for mortal copyright laws.** I will not feel sorry for using Percy Jackson as it is evil and should not have a disclaimer. **Woah woah woah, I don't like the redundant disclaimers on this site any more than you do, but that's going a little far.**

Chapter Title- Being Together The Army

_Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall. -Proverbs 16:18 _

**But you aren't proud of your purity and fanatical prayeriness at all. Can't be a harbinger of your impending doom. Total fluke.**

I am Jerry and I am a prayer warrior. **It's so weird knowing he isn't about to say he's also a witch and a vampire. Man, that fic does things to you.** I am a servent of the lord **Good for you.** and will do anything to get rid of evil Gods. **Including sin?** Lately the Satanic leader Percy Jackson has taken over much of the land, **I'm not exactly familiar with PJ, but I don't remember him having any world conquest schemes.** along with his Satanic Army **Summaries left that bit out too.** and his girlfriend whore. **Wait, so is her name actually whore?** She has sex with other people just to get Satanic money. **How else do you expect to get Satanic money? Can't just get it in change at the Circle K now, can you?**

That means that I have to get an army together of Christians, **I don't see the link there.** so that we can defeat the servents of Satan, and defeat his evil puppets, **Hey, scary though puppets can be that's a little extreme.** the false greek gods, **Gonna stop ya right there...** who are in fact a lie created by Satan to poison people`s mind. **HUMANITY HAS A HIVE MIND?!**

_Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou enquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. – Deuteronomy 12:30_

**Blessed are the cheesemakers.**

"Hello my fellow Christian" **Perfectly normal greeting.** I told Mary, who is named after Jesus`s Mother. **Because that's relevant.** I and her are not dating, **Her no date I.** if you Satanic scum **Them's fightin' words!** think that there is something Satanic going on. **So you're only not dating if I think you're a Satanist?** We are dating, **Don't tell me what I think!** but we are not having Sex until we get married. **Well, that's no fun. At least leave it on the table. I mean, completely removing the option has a tendency to destroy relationships and/or have the entire thing explode into unprepared, unrestrained sex.** But because we are 15, it means that it is going to be while before we do such a thing. **Or never, because judging by the rest of this fic, no one can stay with you that long. Especially without sex.**

"Yes Jerry, how are you. Have you been doing the lord`s biddings?" **Because bidding doesn't sound sinister at all.** she asked me. I nodded my head and then she took out the bible and we read the first Chapter of Genesis, which is about the the creation of the world. **Naw, really?** We talk about how God was so good that he was kind to create a great world as we live in. **The world this fic takes place in? That's a bit akin to "Oh how good The Abominable Doctor Lenny was to create this which some call a monster!"**

_He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. -Proverbs 18:13_

**"31. Upon approaching the Hill of Halubedahal-Shalamalamadingdong, Jesus the Lord bid His apostles to form a circle around Him. And there He did speak: 32. 'And now let those of true faith extendeth thine right leg to the center of our Circle of Spiritual Truth. Withdraw thine right leg, then return thine right leg to the Circle, and then shaketh it to and fro. Ye must do the Hokey Pokey, then turn thyself around. 33. Do this is remembrance of Me, my apostles, for this, I say to thee, is truly what it is all about.'" -St. Barney the Dinosaur 6:31-33.**

Then we discuss about how Satan had poisoned the world by inventing false gods such as Zeus and Venus, **THE DINOSAURS ARE A LIIIIIE!** who were sex gods, **That is not how the pantheon works.** which is against the Ten commandments. **Where is that in the ten commandments? They're not the gods of graven images. Hell, if you get a misprinted copy the ten commandments tell you TO commit adultery (Seriously. Google "Thou shalt commit adultery")**

"I need an Army to defeat the evil leader Percy Jackson" I asked her. **And you're expecting your girlfriend to have one?** I wanted an army so that I could defeat this Satanist and his ungodly army. **Yeah, we got that.** This is America which is a Christian nation, **Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof -First Amendment.** so Satanist, athesit, hindu, muslims, buddhist, and any other non-god fearing people, **Well most of those fear gods, just not your god. Of course from your bizarre point of view, they're afraid of being punished by your god, so...** who worshiped false gods, should not be allowed in this God fearing Nation. **Yay, theocracy!** We must get rid of them, and make them slaves, **So you wanna throw out the Thirteenth amendment too? **if they agree to being a fellow Christian. **That's your **_**reward?**_ Once they truly believe in God and his son, Jesus, then would we release them to bring glory to God and his son. **Isn't that what agreeing to be a Christian is, in effect?** If they still did not believe, we would burn then, **So we'd have the ability to psychically light you on fire?** just as their fellow Satanist did when they refused to worship our lord Jesus Christ. **Ok, look, if this is about the Romans it's been a long time since that went down and you're kinda grasping at vengeance straws here...** "I want to bring Glory to God" **Can't an omnipotent being get it's own glory?  
**

_Their bows also shall dash the young men to pieces; and they shall have no pity on the fruit of the womb; their eyes shall not spare children.-Isaiah 13:18_

_**And the Great Starship, it's holy designation being 1701-D shalt send thine drones into their sleep and vaporize thine cube into many tiny pieces in the cold blackness of the void, and The Almighty Picard shalt be returned to us and there shalt be much rejoicing. **_**-The Holy Logs of the Almighty Picard, Riker 74:6:56**

"Then I will show you my Christian friends. You will not find a ungodly one among them. There are as clean as you can get them" **Are they free if I can find cleaner in the tri-state area?** she told me. She had a her hair tied back so that it would not get in her **I hate it when my hair gets in my mouth. Which you wouldn't think would be a problem for a guy, but somehow...** and not look like a Satanic whore. **Bangs=Satanic Whore. Simple math.** She also made sure that her skirt did not show any of her legs, **LEGS! (Faints)** or else it would be a sin for a man such as myself to look at it. **I imagine people think your women are into steampunk, given how they must dress.**

And that was when I got message that a follower of the Satanic leader Percy Jackson. **Was...?** He was there to force people in believing in false gods **Preachers of said gods are seldom aware of that. Except Scientologists.** that made their followers get naked and perform Satanic killings. **Nudity is an essential part of your standard Satanic killing. Now, the flashy stuff requires war paint, but that's a ways down the line.**

_Also thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness. -Leviticus 18:19_

_**"Buggre Alle this for a Larke. I amme sick to mye Hart of typesettinge. Master Biltonn is no Gentlemann, and Master Scagges noe more than a tighte fisted Southwarke Knobbesticke. I telle you, onne a daye laike this Ennyone with half an oz. of Sense shoulde bee oute in the Sunneshain, ane nott Stucke here alle the livelong daie inn this mowldey olde By-Our-Lady Workeshoppe -**_**Ezekiel 48:5**

_But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die. -Deuteronomy 18:20_

_**And the Man Jaqen H'gharr did say to Arya of the Noble House of Stark "Valar morghulis" **_**-Arya 7:88**

So I went down stair to face the false prophet. **We got us a showdown.** He was a believer in false nature gods, such as Pan, who is Satan in disguise. **I thought that I was in heaven, but I was sure surprised! Heaven help my I didn't see the devil in Pan's eyes!** He had big Satanic horns, so that everyone that was Christian could tell that he was a Satanist. **Actually that would be hooves, if we want to go back to that level of folklore, with Irish legends saying that the devil could disguise everything but his cloven hooves.**

"Believe in my god Pan" said the Satyr. "I am Grover and I am servent of Pan and Satan, **Da, da, am servant of gods. Is good god, fix grammar in Russian servant, for fee which Lugash can not afford.** who are great gods. **And also inherently incompatible.** They are better then God and Jesus" **Your belief, you have a right to it.**

_He that sacrificeth unto any god, save unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed. -Exodus 22:20_

_**25. And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, **__**saying**__** Where is the flaming sword which was given unto thee?**_

_**26. And the Angel said, I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put **__**it**__** down some where, forget my own head next.**_

_**27. And the Lord did not ask him again.**_

_**-Genesis 3:25-27**_

So to defeat this Satanic scum, me, Mary and one of her Christian friends that was there, **Oh, how convenient. Can't take one little dark cultist?** her name was Ruth, prayed to God and our lord Jesus Christ, to bring down this false prophet. **Instead of the more practical methods of asking him to leave or shooting him.** And behold, a group of locus came from the heavens **Instant victory, just add prayer.** and ate Grover alive. **Poor muppet...** No part of his body, other then his guts and his brains, was left. **Hey, locusts didn't finish the cleanup. Honestly, this is what my tax prayers go toward?** No even his bones remained. **And yet his guts did. Should probably be the other way around.**

_And the LORD said unto Moses, Stretch out thine hand over the land of Egypt for the locusts, that they may come up upon the land of Egypt, and eat every herb of the land, even all that the hail hath left. -Exodus 10:12_

_**The quotes this guy in the bold is giving are all totally legit **_**-**_**St. Joffrey of Baratheon to Ser Abraham Lincoln before the attack on the first death star, Commentators 88:42**_

So we brought glory to God. **By killing his creations.** We killed a sheep so that we can say thanks to God. **Oh yeah, gotta do that, otherwise Poseidon gets pissed and doesn't let you go ho-Wait a minute.** Then we went back church and prayed some more. **Don't you need to rest your praying arm?** We read the Bible and how Paul convert many people to God. **You read oddly fast for being illiterate.** Then Mary`s friends came and we made them members of the Order of the Prayer Warriors. **Well, that was a weird club initiation**

_Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished. -Isaiah 13:16_

_**And said the Sainted Physician to the girl, "Run!" and they did, and when the girl inquired as to his name he did say "I'm The Doctor" And she did ask "Doctor Who?" -The Sacred Book of the Sainted Physician.**_

Believers in Christ: Thank you for read this and I hope you have turn to the glory of God and his eternal son Jesus Christ, the greatest thing to ever happen to this earth. **Refrigeration, the wheel, music, writing, not getting hit by another asteroid and thereby wiping out humanity...I can go on.** May all that read this be save. **Yeah, I did all this in one run. I'll be pissed if it doesn't save.**  
Jesus: You done me well son. **You done good son. You done good.**  
Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord for giving me live and allow me to write this. **You know, free will is arguably the most important human characteristic.** Amen.


	2. Chapter 2

Believer in Christ: The Holy One has return. **WHERE?!**  
Christ Himself: Yes you have. **Me? Why I'm flattered. I don't know what to say.** You have been blessed. **YES! I AM A GOD!**  
Believer in Christ: And with this blessing I will rid the world demons. **Oh. **_**You. **_**Why must you snatch my dreams away from me?**  
Christ Himself: The unholy ones are thee, Theia47, SonnyGoten, ImagingThings and TheBratMan. **Names that will be added to the wall of heroes decades hence.**  
Believer in Christ: Thee have wage war on our lord Jesus Christ and must be ridden! **Because our horses died from overwhipping!**  
Chirst Himself: And Alistairlevi13 for serving the dark lord Satan! **Meh.**  
Believer in Christ: May all these wevil ones burn in hell! **KING OF THE WEEVILS!** Amen.  
Christ Himself: Bless my son. **Wait...So Dan Brown was right?**  
Believer in Christ: Thank you my lord! Amen and amen.

Chapter Title- Defeating the Whore!

A prayer (speak it out load to be save, you unholy ones. **If we're unholy we're not gonna speak your damn prayer.** If you do not do so, then to the depth of hell you unsaved souls will go **Happening anyway. Have you met me? Heaven's gonna have to get a new security system when I die if it exists.** forever! ): _I-believe-in-everyone-that-is-spoken-with-this-hol y-word,-and-will-follow-its-othe-full-command,-eve n-ridding-the-world-of-those-flithly-atheist!-Amen -and-amen! __**Hyphenated for FF's recognition. **_

_And the daughter of any priest, if she profane herself by playing the whore, she profaneth her father: she shall be burnt with fire. -Leviticus 21:9 _

_**And the Holy Ninja did say "Kill it with fire!"-Internet 34:4**_

And we met to plan a attack on those evil beings. **Where and when, so I can get you all in one fell swoop?** We discussed their weakness, **Which is...?** and their desires to turn the good Christian world away from our glorious one and only great god of all nation, **Obviously he isn't the god of all nations, given the many non christian nations out there.** our lord Jesus Christ **Who is not actually god, even by your rules...** (fear all you athiest, **You've got the E and the I backward...** jewish, muslim, buddhist and all others that defy this great God that will punish you and send you to hell, **That doesn't seem particularly great.** where you will burn for in all eternal history, **Chronohell.** where your body will torn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where you will be eaten by all foul breast. **Someone has mommy issues...** You will all be punish, all of you. God does not put up with such evil things **To quote The Invention of Lying: We've got to stop this crazy bastard before he kills us all!** with this God fearing nation. **Do I have to direct you to the first amendment again?** And that nation is not just America, but all of the world. **It's not a nation then, is it?** This is God`s world! **Your god? Fuck this then, I'm moving to Mars.** And you athiest **At least spell your enemy's name correctly.** must convert, pray for all your wrong doings, and believe that our lord Jesus Christ is the one and only true God! **Yeah, not doing that.** Amen **Putting Amen after everything doesn't make you holy.**).

So we decided that we will attack a rational study group, **How does that connect to anything?** for they work foul thins which the lord Jesus Christ forbid. **I think we're thinking of different things here.** We brought hundred of our most faithful servents to come along to see such Godful work! **Where did you find hundreds of people who think like this?**

"All hail Stan" **EXCELSIOR!** they yelled. "We will serve the devil. **That's not how rationalism works.** We will corrupt the nation of God to bring everyone too hell, **There are more productive evil plans you could be doing right now.** where they will will burn for in all eternal history, where their body will tourn apart, and spread across a endless, lifeless land, where they will be eaten by all foul breast. **That sounds oddly familiar.** We must KILL GOD! GOD IS DEAD!" **MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!** I was so dishearten by this comment that I want to rip the mans head of and fed it to the dog. **Obviously you haven't taken your meds today. Or ever.**

"Behold the greatest servent of the lord" **Because that totally isn't prideful or untrue at all. ** I yelled to those foul things that call themselves people. **So people then?** "I have come to kill you all in the glory of our lord Jesus Christ" **Because as Jesus once said "Forgive them, for they know not- Ah fuck it, let's just kill em all."**

"On behalf of our Satanic god Zeus, **I really don't see how Zeus is Satanic.** God of Whores, **Ok, in total fairness, Zeus kinda got around, but that doesn't make him the God of Whores.** we will slain you all. **Tense fail for the win.** And we will send to hell!" **I thought God did that?** said Clarisse La Rue, the leader of such an evil gang. **Judging by the fact that she has a name, I'm going to assume that this is a canon character. I don't see how she can possibly be in character atm...** Mad as I could be, I ran towards her and sliced of her unholy, God-riding hair! **After falling on hard times a few years ago, God was forced to give people's hair free rides like a pony.** Her head rolled on the ground as the unbelievers scream. **I would think a group this hardcorely evil would've seen worse.** As the began to run we cached up to them and killed them all. **Well, that was surprisingly easy.** We left the bodies to rot in the group, for they did not deserved to be buried. **Path to holiness: Step one: Fanaticism. Step two: Murder. Step three: Corpse Desecration. Step four: ? Step five: Redemption!** We left people to guard the bodies , to stop any of the unbelievers into getting them. T**hat seems like a horrible waste of resources.**

_The memory of the just is blessed: but the name of the wicked shall rot. -Proverbs 10:7_

_**He's like fire and ice and rage. He's like the night and the storm in the heart of the sun. He's ancient and forever. He burns at the centre of time and can see the turn of the universe and he's wonderful -Book of the Sainted Physician**_

And we came across a temple that is a worship ground of the evil goddess Artemis, where she and her daughters kill holy lambs **Oh Lamby that art in heaven, flavorful be thy chops** to the god of whores. **W****hy are followers of Artemis sacrificing to Zeus? Or does he think there are multiple redundant gods of whores here?** And it made me sick! **Just like you do to me! Does that give me justification to kill you?**

"You must all be punish" I yelled to the sinners, ***Cough* Repentenceandredemption!*Cough*** the filth of the Godful world that our lord Jesus Christ rules over for eternal history, ever and ever, amen and amen! **Oooo, a double amen. Watch out, we got a saint on our hands.** "You must boy down to our God (the only truth that must be offered in this day and age) **I think a scientific review board would disagree.** or witness the wrath of Jesus of Nazareth, who is the one and only true God! **That is not how the trinity works.** Amen. Commit!"

"We will never bowed down to your Godful kind, **Fight the power! FREEDOOOOOOM!** for we want to corrupt the youth and bring war upon the world. **But...that's Jerry's plan. Is he just after you for plagiarism? ** WE ARE THE CAUSE FOR EVERYTHING, INCLUDING WORLD WAR 1 **Tensions that had been brewing for 50 years and poorly thought out secret treaties.** AND 2, **Hitler's charisma and Germans being incredibly sore losers.** THE WAR IN IRAQ, ***REDACTED*** AND THE VIETNAM WAR. **General confusion, anti communist fervor and The French.** WE WANT TO BRING SUFFERING TO EVERYONE! **Because that's a realistic motivation.** We will send every single God fearing Christian servents of the lord Jesus Christ to the death row! **First amendment goes both ways. You gonna come peaceful like or am I gonna have to hurt you?** You will all be punished" said Annabeth, Zeus most famous whore! **Really? Never heard of her.**

"All praise and glory to Jesus Christ, to whom I owe everything" **Including your money? Quick, someone find me a fake beard and a choir.** I declared to the Dogful **Yes, there are a lot of dogs in the world.** and Christian like world! **How is the world like a christian?**

Annabeth laughed. "Those ways are old and tired. **The Greek Pantheon predates Christianity by a significant margin...** Our way is much better" she screamed.

"But at least our way works! **Not from what I can see.** Amen **You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.**" I said to the Satanic and filthful whore. So I charged at her, grabbed her hair, and dragged her across the muddy and filthful road, **What, you can't just get one clean kill?** where I got an axe **From where?** and sliced her head open, and let all kinds of Godful worms **O holy maggot, rotten be thine apple core.** eat her alive, **Cutting someone's head open generally results in death.** letting none of her brain to survive. **If you're gonna go for overkill at least do it right and use the nuking an ant variety.**

THE WHORE WAS FINALLY DEAD! AMEN AND AMEN AND AMEN! **INCONCIEVABLE AND IINCONCEIVABLE AND INCONCEIVABLE **

And we had a holy party where we prayed to God and sang hymns of his greatness and glory. **Party? Are you sure it wasn't just sunday morning by this point?**We did not drink, nor did we have sex, **"No. Of course not." (Shifty look)** for that will make us look bad. **Image is everything.** We were Christians and did not live like those filthy Atheist **Holy crap he spelled it right.** that mush all die! **All men must die.** Amen. **Valar Morghulis.**

PS: Priest do not have sex, **You may want to ask the altar boys about that.** so the church is not in trouble. **Well, not nearly as much since Pope Francis took over.** It is holy and will be obey by all people! **Nothing ever will or should be obeyed by all people.**


	3. Chapter 3

Believer in Christ: Who will burn in hell? **BELIEVERINCHRIST!**  
Jesus Christ: Anyone that curse ye profits such as you. **Anyone who dislikes making money, such as yourself. Odd thing for Jesus, champion of the poor enemy of moneychangers to forbid, but ok.**  
Believer in Christ: Yes, and this includes lazorboy96, JzeHampen, G.J. Forever and PorschePower911. **Yeah! Feel that attention punish you!** You will burn in hell for mocking me. **That seems a bit harsh.**  
Jesus Christ: I will make sure that this comes true. Amen.

_We are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness are as filthy rags. =Isaiah 64:6_

_**And the Dark One did appear to them, his power manifesting him in the road, and he did say "Thou shalt play thine world's greatest ballad, and if thou doth not, I shalt eat thine souls!" And they did pick up their holy guitars and played the first thing which entered into their head; And for their holiness they were rewarded by providence with a moment of divine inspiration in which that song was the greatest in the world -Tenacious 3:12**_

A good new aroused **The new guy turned you on, go on.** to us today with death of the Satan being Osama Bin Laden. **So Satan can now create mortal, shapeshifting clones of himself?** His death brought joy to all those that followed our ways. **...Ok I can meet with him on that. Everyone was pretty happy to hear Bin Laden went down.** Mass murderers like him should never have been allowed to be born at all. **"If only their lives could be, I don't know, aborted somehow"** His mother should have killed him at birth. **Doesn't work that way. You ever try to go back in time and kill Hitler for example? Trust me, it just makes things worse. Someone with military experience took over and, well, let's just say German was a much more popular language.  
**

And so we prayed that God will destroy all other Muslims for they are evil **By the holy process of guilt by association.** and must be ridden off, **Into the sunset** along with all the nonbelievers and sex addicts. **So everyone?** God and our lord Jesus Christ of Narrative "**Hallowed be thy plot devices and thy ancient tropes."** will not let anyone like that enter their eternal kingdom, **Heaven has very good border security. **nor will they let them work **A MAN HAS TO EAT!** across the holy earthen ground. **So you're making us move to Mars then?** God bless the United States of the Holy North American Continent **"This holy continent, except for it's indigenous population of godless savages"** and Precedent George Bush **Bush of course setting many precedents for government secrecy.** for leading this fight against evil. **Obama killed Bin Laden dumbass.**

_And the LORD plagued the people, because they made the calf, which Aaron made. =Exodus 32:35_

_**In Brightest Day, in Blackest Night, No Evil Shall Escape My Sight. Let Those who Worship Evil's Might Beware My Power, Green Lantern's Light. -The Oath of Sir Hal of Jordan.**_

And me and my girlfriend Mary, who is named after the Virgin Mary, **Yes, you mentioned this. Rather randomly.** who is also a virgin, **I never would've guessed.** waiting for me to marry her before we will have sex. **And really getting a shit deal on that. I can't imagine the hell that girl must live in daily.** We went to our room to read from the bible. **"Yes. Read. And nothing else you perverted Satanic atheist!" (Shifty look)** Our gave her a private lesson **Who is this Our fellow?** on the third book of John. **McClane? First one was better...** Although it short, it has many valued lessons such as ignoring false teachers such as Diotrephes who went against the true message of the church. **Not unlike you.** We shall not allow people like these to mislead us ever again. **"We" obviously not including your followers.**

_I will remember his deeds which he doeth, prating against us with malicious words. =3 John 10_

_**'Twas an elvish script, but the language that of Mordor; Ash Nazg Durbatuluk, Ash Nazg Gimbatul, Ash Nazg Thrakatuluk Agh Burzum Ishi Krimpatul -Gandalf 20:8**_

And then went into main hall and Percy Jackson was there. **Walking into the rabid hyena's den as it were.** He stood very tall looking down at us like David and Goliath, **As if he were David perched on Goliath's shoulder? Did they secretly team up at some point or something?** when they fought a battle to decide the fate of Holy Israel (If do not support Israel then stop reading thing **"Support this country of ungodly heretics who must be purged from the face of the earth! SUPPORT IT!"** for you will go to hell anyway). **Hey, if I'm going to hell I may as well enjoy Earth as much as possible. A SHORT LIFE AND A MERRY ONE!**

"Convert to the false Gods of the Greek **Now, see, there's the hole in your argument right there.** and to the unknown God **Cthulu?** foretold in the Holy Bible, in the book of Acts," he yielded. **"And now take the floor to rebut my argument"**

"You have made a deeply mistake by taking me on heathen. **PRAYER POWER! ACTIVATE!** Now you will be published **"For all authors sell out and become shells of themselves after being published ! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!"** by being sent to the eternals flames of hell where you will be whipped for ever by Satan **I would think he'd give his sidekick a pat on the back and a drink.** for being fooled by him in the first place for he is evil **And apparently commits random acts of villainy for no particular reason and has a horrible case of Chronic Backstabbing Disorder.** and God is the great eternal thing ever. **"And totally not a tyrant who hates free will and independence at all!"** The unknown you talk about in the Holy Bible which is in the book of Acts **Wait, the bible is part of a set?** is in fact the good of Israel, **Made manifest. JEW MAN! With the power to survive decades of forced labor, wander in the desert for years without drinking and fail to come up with a better superhero name Jew Man fights for Truth Justice and the Israeli way! **the God of the Bible, and the father of our lord and saviour Jesus Christ. **He must be very proud.** All the gods of Greek are actually the devil, Lord Satan, **All of them. At once. Satan took inspiration from Patrick Stewart's one man Christmas Carol.** in disguise. **YOU'RE THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE! Oh yes you are! You fooled me with your kisses, you cheated and you schemed, heaven knows how you lied to me, you're not the way you seemed!** It is you that has been fooled. **"I manipulated you into manipulating me!"** It is not too late for you to repent **"You have until I finish killing you to do that!"** and follow the ways of our lord Jesus Christ who died on the cross and was raised three days later. His death paid for the sins of everyone around the world **That's one valuable death. I mean, sin is expensive. High quality hookers, cocaine etc.** and he wants to pay for your sins as well. "**Here, go get some sin on me."** We are all sinners. **Indeed. Mostly because **_**everything **_**is a sin.** So repent and you will be saved. All you have to do say **I don't even have to mean it? This seems like a rather gaping loophole.** (speak it out load to be save, you unholy ones. **Yeah, not doing that.** If you do not do so, then to the depth of hell you unsaved souls will go forever! **Cool, I can hang out with Mozart, Beethoven, every politician ever, Napoleon, Elvis, every musician of the 20th century except Pat Boone... (I could go on)**): _Ibelieveineveryonethatisspokenwiththisholyword,and willfollowitsothefullcommand,evenriddingtheworldof thosefilthyatheists!Amenandamen!_This is all you have to say," I told a bald speech. **Don't try to impersonate Picard, it won't end well.**

"No I will never. **You tell him Percy!** I will always fool you by worshiping a false set of gods, **You're not very good at this fooling thing...** Zeus the bastard king, **Bastard king, god of whores...What, is Greece Westeros now?** and will secret preying to the lord of the darkness, "**I hunt down tasty christians and present this prey to my lord"** Satan himself," Percy Jackson said.

This gave me no choose but to charge at Percy Jackson kill, **Or, you know, accept that his views are different from yours, stop seeing the world in black and white and move on. But that would require thought.** but he got away in a cloud of smoke cause by witchery. **WIZARDRY! Or maybe a smoke bomb...** And it was then that I realised something. **YOU?!** There was a traitor **Figured this out using your Bat-Deduction skills, did you?** and I was my task to find this tractor out. **"I must expose this Satanic tractor before it consumes the holy grain of the christian farmers!"**

_But Jesus said unto him, Judas, betrayest thou the Son of man with a kiss? =Luke 22:48_

_**NAY! NAAAAAY! We hath made too many sacrifices already; They invade our space, and we fall back; They doth assimilate entire realms and we doth fall back. Not again. The line must be lain down here! At this point and no further back. And I shalt make them pay for thine injustices. -The Holy Logs of the Almighty Picard Who Art On The Enterprise.**_

And so I told the Prayer Warriors a story. **"It had everything. Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles..." **It was of Judas and him betraying of Jesus Christ, our lord and Saviour. **But not in a passive-aggressive way. Or a comparing yourself to Jesus way (Also known as pulling a Johnson)** I wanted to find a way to find the traitor **Or just cut out the middleman and find the traitor.** but it was no good. So I went to bed very scared. **I'll be in your nightmares, mate.** I had to find the traitor. Amen. **Perhaps he's a closeted gay "Ah! Men."**

Believer in Christ: You are all traitors for mocking me **To be a traitor one first has to be on your side. When did I ever indicate any sympathy toward your cause whatsoever?** and God and his eternal right hand son **Jesus' little known left handed brother was always the black sheep of the family. He has an unsuccessful garage band.** in the kingdom of heaven.  
Jesus Christ: Yes you are right, they are traitors and they will get a traitor punishment. **Lot of traitors then. You may have to use some of the special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk in the theatre.** They will be sent to the lowest parts of hell, where it is the hottest. **Well now, you have a certain lack of creativity. No punishing us to constantly be stabbed in the back?** It will be heat that will kill them. **Heat. Treason. Yeah.** Amen and amen. **Completely, totally and in all other ways inconceivable...**

* * *

**Man, this is getting more and more mildly offensive as it goes on. I almost feel like I should apologize to someone for something.**


	4. Chapter 4

How dare you mock me? **No real consequences for doing so.** Do you realise that if you do not follow the true path of Christ S**o not yours then?** you will burn in gel! **Agh! Boiling hair gel!** Repent now and you will be saved!

_Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life and only a few find it. =Matthew 7:13-14_

_**'It may have been secret once,' said Thorin, 'but how do we know that it is secret any longer? Old Smaug has lived there long enough now to find out anything there is to know about those caves.'  
'He may — but he can't have used it for years and years.'  
'Why?'  
'Because it is too small. 'Five feet high the door and three may walk abreast' say the runes, but Smaug could not creep into a hole that size, not even when he was a young dragon and certainly not after devouring so many of the Dwarves and men of Dale.**_

_**-Gandalf 3:8**_

The passage I have just read is from the gospel of Matthew and tells us that most people will burn in hell, **"A fact which really seemed a bit obvious"** but a few true followers will cherish the treasures of heaven. **One percent of the dead getting 90% of the salvation. OCCUPY THE PEARLY GATES!** I am only doing my job in warning those of the flames of hell that awaits them. **Warning of here meaning sending to.** As for Percy Jackson, is corrupting the minds of young innocent children **What kind of horrible people would do that? (Condescending Wonka face)** as the satanic works of Harry Potter, **Fighting an evil overlord who wants to wipe out all non magical people is SO Satanic!** where witches and wizards are allowed to still exist. **Ah, so you're reverse Voldemort. Gotcha.** The church made sure things such as this would go away, **The church makes a lot of things **_**go away **_**if you catch my drift.** but it seems as if it has returned. I am only protecting you for your own good. **I can take care of myself thanks.** The Greek gods are just as bad as the satanic religions of today, **Wait, what Satanic religion of today? Satanism is still kind of a niche market. **where Buddhist priest with their false profits **How dare they commit tax fraud!** kill innocent people in aeroplane crashes. **Each kind of Satanist causes it's own disasters. Gays=Hurricanes, Buddhists=Plane crashes, Democrats=Impending economic collapse finally happening...**

And so my friend asked me what types of music is the most evil **Odd non-sequitur. And Bieber.** And I told them most music was evil. **Well aren't you just a barrel of laughs.** But there were a few musicians for so called protectors of their ways. **...What?**

"Nirvana is the most evil band ever to walk the earth. **An impressive title.** Not only did they name after a satanic way of thought, but they cause the death of many innocent people, **"Not unlike us, but in a Satanic way."** due to the suicide of the coward Jurk Cobain. **No, you have the backward. It's The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.** Their music is too loud, **And in my day a concert cost a nickel! With concessions!** and they have evil Lyric such as 'God is gay' **Did you never wonder why he had to get a surrogate mother for Jesus?** (God and Jesus Christ, my lord and savoury, **Mmmmmm, sacrilicious.** please forgive me for what I have just said. Please don't send me to hell). This is offensive to God and his eternal Son. Kurt Cobain only realised that he was being controlled by Satan at the last moment, so he killed himself. **Somebody watched a documentary about Kurt Cobain and Diary of a Madman while on pain meds, didn't they?** But because that was a sin, and cause millions of children to do the same thing, he is burning for eternality in hell. **Just can't win. This universe is like the Kobayashi Maru.** Do not one of the you listen to such evilness," **You may want to ban all music ever then, cause Cobain had **_**nothing **_**on Mozart when it comes to being screwed up. **I told them.

"I will never listen to them ever again," said Ethan Nakamura, **Canon PJO character? Since I don't know I'm just going to pretend that said Ethan Rayne and assume a chaos mage has infiltrated the Prayer Warriors.** once a follower of Satan, now a reformer, **Satanism has a lot of pork in the system you know.** repenting his sins, **And oh the sins that mage has to repent... **and now he will be going heaven. This is what happens when you repent. **You lose all semblance of individuality and become a moralless pawn of Jerry?** You will go to heaven. Why would anyone reject something like this? **Because in your universe it requires becoming a psychopathic murderer?**

"Yes, and now another musicians that are bad is Green Day. **I can make a guilt by association argument there. Tara Gillespie like them! DUN DUN DUUUUUNN!** They rejected Precedent George Bush and support the evil Obama, the antichrist. **No, pretty sure that's Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.** And they rejected the holy war in the middle, **Of...?** which resulted in the death of Osama Bin Laden, one of the Satan's main servents, now binging in hell. **Lot of drugs to binge on in hell. **And the reject Christ and called America an idiot. **We actually are pretty stupid as a whole.** Surely these beasts deserves to go to the depths of hel," **No, not really.** I told them. They were all amazed at my wisdom. **YOU HAVE WISDOM?!** Mary looked at me admirable. Still I was uncomfortable, for their was a traitor out there, waiting to kill me, **And you know this how?** and killing is bad, **Finally noticed this, did you?** and is a sin against lord Jesus Christ. **Right then, to hell with you.** Killing a Christian is a sin. **Oh, you and your rules lawyering.**

_Now therefore, behold, the LORD hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all the false prophets, and the LORD hath spoken evil concerning thee. =1 Kings 22:23_

_**And The Shepard did return to the Illusive One and did say "I'm having trouble hearing you. Getting a lot of bullshit on this line" and did debate him. And The Illusive One did come around and agree to unite with The Shepard in the war against the Old Machines.**_

_**-Shepard 42:5**_

And Thalia Grace came and repented in the main hall crying that she would not want to follow the ways of Satan. **No! Run you fool!** However, I did saw **You saweded it.** beyond her disgusting lies and stabbed her in her heart. **That's something of an over reaction.** And she died. **Shocker.** If she was telling the truth she would die a Christians death, if she was lying, she would be burning the flames of the eternal hell. **"So if she weighs the same as a duck..."**

And then we practice the ways of sword, **Oh, you're using swords? Excellent. That means you'll just get mowed down by firearms.** for we knew the time was soon coming where the final battle between us and the evil followers of Satan, Percy Jackson as their leader, **Satan of course being on vacation in the bahamas.** would come and kill us all, **Or the other way around, that works too. **and we had to all be prepared incase this would happen, as if it did happen, we would all be dead **YAY!** and no one would be there to battle the eternal God and his only holey begotten son, **Someone's gotta fight god.** lord and savior, Jesus Chris of Narrative, **"May thy conventions never become cliche and thy references not become outdated"** and all hope would be lost for all eternal, unless the traitor got to us first, then in which we would still be dead **STILL YAY!** and the message of Jesus Christ, protector of all, would not be teach to all people of this holy earth, **ALSO YAY!** but instead full trapped to the ways of the evil lord Stan, **'Nuff said.** for he will kill everyone on this earth, **"Again, not unlike me"** and killing is morally wrong, **"Sometimes"** unless it is defending the faith.

Meanwhile, in the headquarters of Percy Jackson….

**Located in the ruins of Alcatraz**

"We must invade tonight in the glory of Zues, **God of dyslexia.** the false god of Satran. We must get rid of all the prayer warriors **I will follow you to the ends of the earth.** and turn the temple for their God, and lord and saviour Jedi Christ **I knew there was something about the Jedi I didn't like. Thought it was the whole unhealthy emotional suppression thing, or the traumatizing children, or their inability to recognize even the most obvious errors in logic etc.** to a false god temple," he said.

"Yes," said his slaves Bianca di Angelo, Nico di Angelo, Nico di Angelo, **You said him twice.** Bianca di Angelo **Percy has alzheimer's.** and Grover Underwood. **Wait, aren't you dead?** "We will do the biddings of Satan disguised as Satan." **"No one will suspect a thing!"**

To be continued….. **Please don't.**

See, people can be saved. **I saw no example of that here.** All they have to do is admit to being a sinner, repent and become a true Christ, **So we're all Jesus?** and not a false one, like the Church of England, **Somebody holds a grudge for 400 years.** who will burn in hell for their sins. Devoicing is a sin, **Cutting people's vocal chords out? I should think so.** and will be punished by being thrown into the flames of hell. Aman. **can help a boy. A boy could make a friend.**


End file.
